My crazy life

Wow I guess it's that time to update since several friends and family are doing the same. Ok so I am working as a Certified Trainer at Sonny's BBQ which means more or less that I am a floor supervisor and also train new server employees. Ron is now on disability due to severe osteoarthritis in his knees. The family is difficult. Jake and his GF now live with us again. He had moved to Clearwater and didn't like it so they moved back. He is looking for work at this time. Jessy is working as an Avionics Technician here in Gainesville now and he and Ashley are expecting a little girl in September. They too are living with us which makes 8 counting Cadin and Kreedyn. We have alot of chaos in the house but it seems to be working so far. I am looking forward to seeing my granddaughter soon and meeting her cute little face. Although I love my grandsons tremendously I was never able to be there when they were born. This is the first grandchild I am able to see at birth. My other grandchildren are wonderful, missing Ryan and wishing I could make a trip to see him soon. As I write this Jessy reads over my shoulder and is making comments and I keep telling him it is my page and he can make comments later when I am done. So at this point I am done since he's annoying me immensely and I'll write later.

Thankful for friends

So it's been forever since I've been on here. I've been reading other peoples posts and just reading some of mine. Today I just want to say I miss my friends and family. I find myself here in Florida with very few actual friends and wondering why? I know I'm a likeable person and easy to be around. hmmm. Not to ponder long because I know I have very good friends in Oregon but really missing the companionship these days. I have companionship with Ron but there are so many things he is unable to do now and I miss that. I feel like the old lady knitting on her porch only because I sit on my porch alot and just sit and enjoy the peacefulness. I can honestly say that I have several true friends in Oregon who have hung with me through thick and thin and always were there when I needed someone to talk to or be with. They are still there when I need to talk to someone and I am truly thankful for that. So the sum of today is I am thankful for true friends.

IF NOT BAD LUCK NO LUCK AT ALL

For the past 2 years we have been struggling financially. Nothing seems to be giving. First of all, we were broke so I could not fly out to see Koen when he was born and 2 months later he passed away. I borrowed money to fly out to Oregon to be with Jake. Of course I had no vacation time so of course we got behind. So we spent the next year trying to catch up and then just when we start to get caught up I get another phone call and mom only has a few days. So again I borrow enough to fly out. When I get back I've spent the last year trying to catch up again. In the past year our stove has gone out, our refrigerator and now my truck needs $500.00 worth of tires. I can't even drive my truck until its fixed since both front tires have separated. I took on a second job but have only worked a week. I am so sick of being broke and having something broken and can't fix it. Is the time going to come when I am actually caught up? At this point I don't think it will. How much more can I work to make it happen?
Maybe if I bury my head in my blankets for a while and not come out it will be better when I do come out. I can't take much more. Something has to give.

Bittersweet

Today is a day of happiness but also sadness. On this day Koen Michael Hanson was born to Amanda Slone and Jacob Hanson. I was unable to be there but Anita (amanda's mom) kept me up on what was going on with the delivery. Jacob also kept me up on it by calling me. I remember Jacob's voice when he would call, so scared, happy, concerned, feeling lonely (wanting me there). The kids were so incredibly proud of this child. They loved him from conception and wanted him and hoped it would be a boy. I got pictures right to my cell phone as soon as he was born and had to drive 2 miles to get signal enough to receive the pictures Jacob had sent me. What a beautiful baby he was. I am so proud to say that Koen is my grandson. Some have judged me for not being at his birth or being able to see him when he was first born. My finances just didn't allow me to fly to Oregon as much as I wanted to. I received regular pictures of Koen and also got on the webcam with Amanda so I could see Koen although it isn't the same it was the best we could do and I wanted so much to be involved in his life. I remember talking to Jacob about being a father and how proud he was and how much love he felt for this little tiny creature. I remember those days.
Then on February 4th Koen went to sleep in Amanda's lap after nursing and never woke up. SIDS had taken this prescious little child from all of us. The pain of losing him was shared by me, Ron, amanda, jake, anita, kimball and all the rest of the family who had know him or had know jake and amanda or the family. To my surprise there were so many people I had not expected at the funeral. I am so happy to say that their presence was wonderfully rewarding. I hope they know what it meant to all of us to have them there.
I miss this little boy but know that we will all go on as best we can and make lives for ourselves but he will never, never be forgotten or less loved. Happy Birthday Koen I love you!

is it me??

I have 2 sons. My oldest Jessy has a son Ryan who is 2 1/2 years old. I try to call the house and never get an answer. Ryan talks now so calling is good because I get to talk to him. Ryan is at the age where he talks if you ask him questions. I live a long way away from him and miss him so much. He is a beautiful child and I wish I was closer to be able to babysit and be with him more. So how come when I call no one answers, no answering machine or anything for me to leave a message to tell him I am thinking of him. Are they busy, not at home, at work or do they just have caller I.D. and not want to hear from me??? I hope it's the previous and not the last but at times I doubt it. To be a grandparent is a wonderful thing. I am very proud to say I am a grandparent unlike alot of people who think they are too young to say that. I have not been the best of the grandparents and will probably never get the grandparent of the year award but I do know that I love my grandchildren. Koen who passed away when he was 2 months old was a very beautiful, loved child. My biggest regret is that I never saw him and held him when he was alive. I never kissed his prescious cheeks or smelled his hair or cuddled him. Regret, how do you go on with that? I guess I have to go on and try to have a relationship with Ryan unfortunately Ryan's mommy and Koen's mommy are two very different people. I receive pictures of Ryan but no real updates on him unless I e-mail and specifically ask. For example: Ryan just had eye surgery and I just found out. He had the surgery to correct a lazy eye and I was not even told. I found out through the grapevine which is very hard. I had asked that she let me know just a month before he had the surgery.
For me I have to just go on and get what I can from her on updates and appreciate the pictures knowing that she does not care if I am ever in Ryan's life.
Thanksgiving was just yesterday so I am being thankful that I have my children, Jessy and Jacob and my grandchildren, Ryan and Koen. Although I am a long way away I will always love them all. My grandchildren are always in my thoughts and prayers and I love them both with all my heart as I do my children. I am thankful this year for the girls who brought these babies to life for me to share and have shared them with me. Thank you!

Going to doctors

I am one of those people that when I go to the doctor it does not bother me. I don't get nervous or anxious even with the dentist. As most women I go to my Gynecologist every year and I have mammograms every year. For the mammogram you are taken to a very small room, given a shawl basically and told to wait. A tech comes along and knocks on one door (there are 2) and takes you into this big room with very strange apperatus. This apperatus is the machine that squeezes you basically in order to get good films of the tissue. No regardless of what some women feel or say for me this is not painful, uncomfortable yes but not painful. When they get all the views they feel is necessary you are sent back to this little room to wait until the Radiologist looks at the films to see if he wants any different views because of any irregularities or differences. When I went this time I waited and I waited, and I waited. After probably half an hour the tech came back and said the Radiologist wanted a couple more views. These were taken and again I was sent back to the little room to wait. Finally, it seemed forever, the Radiologist knocked on the door and said that there were 2 very small spots that were not there previously which was the reason for the extra views. I was told he felt they were just cysts but wanted me to come back again for another mammogram in 6 months. Given all of this my nerves of course were fried. I did manage to go to work and actually get some work done. I know more than likely it's nothing but it still weighs on your mind and throws everything off. So here I am at 2 am writing blogs and watching tv since my brain doesn't want to shut off. When life throws you curves every day you get used to some of it but when it's a huge curve that is totally out of the realm it messes with your total system. You just have to focus on the positive and continue to do what you can to lead a "normal" life. Hang in there baby!! The sun shines every day some place!!

Men and Cupboards

I've lived with and around men my whole life. There is one universal thing I've noticed that they all do. They go to a cupboard for a glass, deodorant, etc., and when done getting what they want they leave the door open. Now I know for myself I have smacked my head probably 100 times from these doors being left open. Why do they leave them open? Are they too distracted by whatever it is that they were doing like pouring water, putting the deodorant on to remember to close the cupboard?? I have no answer for this but I know it is one of those annoying things that will never change. I know I do things that annoy my husband (not really) but is it possible for a guy to close the doors?